i'm moving...

...in more ways than one!

i've decided to try and write more. it's cathartic, i like it, so there

but i'm not going to do it here any longer. this blog has seen its fair share of writing. it's time for something new


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to love somebody

and from your lips
she drew the hallelujah

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i'm out of touch and i'm out of time. this summer, i've been unable to avoid making the dreaded cost-benefit analysis: what i've gained from the last 3 years (being at university, away from singapore, living in london and all that), and what i've lost

and i must say, the figures on boths sides of the table are looking steep

i guess i'm growing up. oh whoopee



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the games people play

i'm tired of wondering, tired of feeling irrational, tired of the insensible heart-leaps

i don't want to be part of a play


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on a separate note, i have a dozen mosquito bites, the itchiness is annoying me to no end. grrrr




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disconnect

it's strange to be back. i am grateful to be able to see my loved ones again

but at the same time, a part of me whispers that i'd rather be somewhere and sometime else

a ponder

... the overwhelming sense of vitality... when I feel most alive...

and because i feel that way about it. and that's why i cannot pretend that it doesn't mean anything much to me


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lost

hahaha i have lost my (temporary) purpose in life!

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i left you heartbroken
but not until those very words were spoken
has anybody ever made such a fool out of you

it's hard to believe it
even as my eyes do see it
the very things that make you live are killing you

listen when all of this around us'll fall over
i tell you what we're gonna do
you will shelter me my love
i will shelter you

- "shelter"_ray lamontagne


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a la une

living for the moment is ecstatic and scary

but i love it. the price to pay may be huge. yet, not being silly, but if tomorrow never comes?

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city talks behind my back
oh you'd better stop your talking
before i turn

city streets, they are long
when you're sick and tried
of walking on your own

i have stones in my pocket
put them down on the road
so i'll find a way
to come back to my home

don't know when i'll return
oh i'd rather stop talking
or coming back

- "city talks"_syd matters

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confessional

i have been sneaking guilty peaks at the blog of my second brother -

no wait, that is misleading

correction: i have been obsessively poring over every single word he writes, checking his blog daily for snippets of his life

under the cover of complete silence and anonymity of course. no, it would not do for me to leave a comment. a long time ago i made the tragic mistake of leaving a one-liner comment on his tagboard, thereby revealing my readership to him, and poof! almost instantaneously, there was a perceptible shift in his writing - it's almost like he clammed up and moved away from topics related to home and family life

so a few years later, i think he's of the impression that i have ceased to peruse his blog. thankfully - that old pseudo-cynical, pithy and introspective writing style is back. he writes honestly about his daily experiences, his thoughts as a 17-year-old

and what really strikes me is this: he writes really simply, but really well. much better than i could ever hope to. he has this talent for leaving out the meaningless mundane details, each post is at most 1 or 2 short paragraphs in length - short and brief, they are often cryptic, but very decipherable for me only because we've share the same codified heritage - the drama of family relationships

i am glad that despite being very much removed from my brother's life through sheer lack of effort and opportunity, i can still understand exactly the thoughts and feelings that he tries to convey through words strung together on his blog

but i still fight the temptation to leave comments. let sleeping dogs lie

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for soulful house music, listen to deepinside - thanks to yw for recommending it, i am now a complete addict to the lovely tunes~~~

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q&a of the day

1) because everybody just wants to be loved

2) because sometimes people change

3) because i am pms-ing

4) because i need to moisturise

5) because i was traumatised

6) because i need to stop worrying and start living

7) because anything can happen tomorrow

8) because i have given up

9) because i can't be bothered

10) yes

.

this is absolutely ridiculous. completely ridiculous. i can't believe i'm even thinking about it! such a waste of time!

see, that's why it always helps to talk to other people. paradigm shifts, changes in perspective and all that. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

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you got me all wrong

the first time it happened, i thought it was a random occurrence, an accident almost, something to be dismissed casually and not reflected upon excessively

then came a second and third time, in quick succession

by the fourth time, i was like, wtf!?

this is the thing: if it's no longer random, then what is it?

(a very loaded question that has driven me back to my chocoholic ways. chocolate should never, never be on half-price sale. not least at m&s. i've gone through >half the box today. by tomorrow afternoon there won't be any left!!!)

the point is that i need the cocoa-sugar high. because i have been driven to new depths by recent developments

i really don't think that i can deal with it. walking on the streets at that hour and taking the bus is the worst part. the mild aching sense of confusion diluted by numbness irritates me

now is not the time to deal with it though. i have to think about law, money and france

.

you got me all wrong
you wandered away
without which i am nothing
much more than i can say

- "you got me all wrong"_dios malos


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release

when you're weary
feeling small
when tears are in your eyes
i will dry them all

i'm on your side
oh, when times get rough
and friends just can't be found

like a bridge over troubled water
i will lay me down
like a bridge over troubled water
i will lay me down

- "bridge over troubled water"_simon & garfunkel



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a list

i need to psychoanalyse

i need to stop eating (so much)

i also need to forget


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insatiable

you'll remember me when the west wind moves
among the fields of barley
you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in fields of gold

so she took her love for to gaze awhile
among the fields of barley
in his arms she fell as her hair came down
among the fields of gold

will you stay with me will you be my love
among the fields of barley
and you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in fields of gold

i never made promises lightly
and there have been some that i've broken
but i swear in the days still left
we will walk in fields of gold
we'll walk in fields of gold

many years have passed since those summer days
among the fields of barley
see the children run as the sun goes down
as you lie in fields of gold

- "fields of gold"_eva cassidy


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i can't see clearly anymore

.

good morning.

something stupid

she has black and white eyes
a mind full of vintage squibs
she has black and white eyes
a mind full of cheering lives

she needs something
to keep her feet on the ground
cos when she's flying around
she never wants to come back down
she lost her smile in ’95
when she woke up on the back seat of a studded car
.
.
.
'think i lost her at 24
when she started to lock herself up behind the bathroom door

all along the white line
she can travel back in time
all along the white line

all along the white line
she can travel back in time
all along the white line

i’m on my way looking up today
never mind if it could be worthing
tuesday flies away

- "black and white eyes"_syd matters


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i did something stupid last night. by right it shouldn't even matter. in the larger scheme of things, it is insignificant, worrying about it is the worst thing i could do right now

but i can also now see why people live for the present, why people are prone to screwing things up in their lives for moments of abandon. everything has something to repress, to restrain, to hold back. because when things that should never see the light of day break out, that's when all hell breaks loose

i am not in a good place at the moment. if i am to be honest with myself, i have just dug an even deeper hole into which i should really stick my silly, obsessive-compulsive, maniac head

thank you to dudley, who in her email the other day told me to "get your head down missy!" - i just wish i could clue my nose to my books. i feel like i may be developping an addictive personality... or not?

Your Personality is 39% Addictive

You don't have an addictive personality - at least, not usually. You can indulge in vices freely, and there's little chance that you'll get hooked.

Do You Have an Addictive Personality?

.

EEK!

SHOCK
HORROR
SHOCK
HORROR
*cringe*
*nervous laugher*
SHOCK
HORROR
SHOCK
HORROR

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

*cringe*


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muse

... is just about my favourite band at the moment. heartfelt doesn't even begin to describe their music

everything about you is how i wanna be
your freedom comes naturally
everything about you resonates happiness
now i won't settle for less

give me all the peace and joy in your mind

everything about you pains my envying
your soul can't hate anything
everything about you is so easy to love
they're watching you from above

give me all the peace and joy in your mind
i want the peace and joy in your mind
give me the peace and joy in your mind

everything about you resonates happiness
now i won't settle for less

give me all the peace and joy in your mind
i want the peace and joy in your mind
give me the peace and joy in your mind

- "bliss"_muse



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be true to yourself

and i'll be true to me


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an incident?!

"More than 70 people were injured on Thursday when a train carrying hundreds of rush-hour commuters hit the rail buffer of a Paris station, firefighters said."

the story, which can be read here, also quotes a sncf (rail company) spokesman as saying,

"It's not an accident, but an incident, which happens from time to time"

*gags* i can't believe his sneaky choice of words. the bloody train failed to stop, for goodness sakes!



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happy easter!

found this funny picture on the paris blog:

bunny on the left: my ass hurts!
bunny on the right: what?

chocolate and bunnies. how to resist?



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apocalypse now

i took a long long walk today as the sun set. sauntering down caledonian road, my figure cutting through the cool dusky air

declare this an emergency
come on and spread a sense of urgency
and pull us through

with my headphones plugged in, i told myself to get back on track and stop being so distracted by everything and nothing

proclaim eternal victory
come on and change the course of history
and pull us through

i guess despite my efforts to keep going and hold everything together,

something had to give