cuba libre

i hollered into my phone again, for the umpteenth time, in that foreign language, at a random bus stop, in front of random strangers

.

i love living in london, i really do. freedom is addictive. fashion is only a means to an end - but what a means! paella unfinished should have been conserved for later

but life isn't just made of non-sequiturs. and so onward the flow, the blast from the past, but actually i just want to be blasé du passé


.

i cry sometimes walking around my own place
wondering why she cries sometimes
talking about her own place
somewhere around the mountains
no one could dry her fountain
till she got tired to complain
that's when i fly to the wildland, to your land

- "to all of you"_syd matters


.

everything i say

and i just can't be without

.

there are too many things to write about so i can't!


.

tell me whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

love and unity
everybody say
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

- "world hold on"_bob sinclar

.

in life, when times get rough, when much seems lost and the main feature is pain

you can always count on

channel 8 dramas religiously uploaded on youtube (双天至尊!!!)

and chocolate bombe cake from le pain quotidien (mmMMMmmm)

enquête

1) because i'm just not bothered

2) because it's just too yummy to resist

3) because i've ingested mucho caffeine today

4) because it says "dry flat"

5) because i have been too lazy

6) because at some subconscious level i fear rejection. we all do

7) because it's not so cold tonight

8) because it's true, paris je t'aime

9) because it doesn't come cheap

10) because i am woman

.

on saturday afternoon i strolled around camden's markets and took in the vibrant burst of sights and sounds. whiffs of incense from the middle east met the spicy aroma from a mexican food stall, purple-haired dreadlocked punks with black lipstick/eyeliner/nailpolish skalked past middle-aged asian tourist families

i purposely made sure i had nothing more than a few pennies on me, and walked past various cash machines with a determination that should not be underestimated

the commodification of culture in camden exudes a magnetic force - mostly an attractive one - that cannot be denied. there is something for every taste, every fancy, every niche, every kooky bit of curiosity

.

and then night falls, and i am reminded that london life is harsh and unforgiving for many. a perfectly normal-looking woman carrying a dog under her arm walks past me as i cross at a traffic light; i see her muttering to herself every 2 seconds, but it is only when i pass within earshot that i realise she is derangedly repeating to herself, "she looks like a wh*re doesn't she, yeah she looks like a wh*re....". to no one in particular

slightly unnerved, i continue into the night, heading towards my friend's flat for a typical house party. i walk past another woman who is hurrying along with what looks like a bag of groceries; unlike the previous woman, this one looks a lot... rougher, an older woman with a short boyish haircut, leather jacket and dyed greyish-white hair. she is talking constantly to herself as well, and i can't help but hear the words "...this shitty f***ing &^@*#^@ life..." as she blusters by

by this time, i am tempted to just give up and go home, home to a warm, happy flat, where i know i will want for nothing

instead of remaining out on the streets of a place filled with desperate souls

warm nights

it's a warm summer night

it's also mid-october

unfortunately the weather isn't the only thing that's displaced

i can't find my camera!

.

miss me

.

it's all about the little things

the strolls down gordon street, the rush to lectures, the tired trudge to euston station to catch the increasingly elusive bus 390

it's about the squish of cool mud beneath boot studs, the dull thud of rugby balls making contact with eager hands

it's about keeping the curtains drawn tight even during the day, warmness beneath a single duvet, the lingering smoke blanket that hovers

i was on the highway

2 months have flashed by really quickly and i can't believe i'm leaving tonight

i also can't believe how much i've changed - not during these 2 months, but over past 2 years

maybe it's what they call growing up?

nah

.

man, what a weekend
saturday night was the most fun i've had in a long while. granted, it was a tad hedonistic

oh well!

random memories:

blacks bbq
creed's my sacrifice. on repeat mode. 4 times
guinness and kilkenny
rum and coke, vodka lime
mos
farrer park (and needing to pee. o.m.g.)
one hot guy (damn he is hot)
"you are too hot for me" (hahahaha)
superman! batman! wonderwoman! spiderman!
"just relax!"
cold water
my brother
hangover. big big hangover
88
yoshinoya
big white retro earrings
mashimaro
wheelock place
camomile tea. yay
self-detrimental-ness
depravity
70
cactus road
car accident - nearly
laundry

.

the club has changed lots - i don't recognise the dynamics anymore. i think it has to do the departure of many old stalwarts, "the core" as ah-vette puts it. it's great that there is an influx of younger, new players

but i miss them. i miss the old days. it's not about feeling like a stranger or feeling alien - it's about old feelings that can no longer be recaptured, about a past that cannot be recalled upon. feels like part of me has died off, you know?

things change with time. that much i understand. i just didn't realise that certain things would become so unrecognisable

the entire time during saturday's gathering, i was haunted by a sobering thought. even though i will always identify my rugby roots with blacks, and love the club with all my rugby spirit, the club is no longer mine to love

i can only watch from afar, concentrate on my own game, and strive to do justice to the beautiful memories

.

ok back to packing. argh

past tense

i wanted you to know
that i loved the way you laugh
i wanted to hold you high and steal your pain away
i kept your photograph
and i know it served me well
i wanted to hold you high and steal your pain

.

i'm the kind of girl you take home

.

hmm. on a different note

how did i get so broke, so quickly?!

:O

I have done 86 out of these 158 things

got this from someone's blog

pick out all the things that you have done in your life. put numbers when you have done it, put x's when you have not. In your lj-cut, put, "I have done _____ out of these 158 things"

[1] I have read a lot of books.
[2] I have been on some sort of varsity team (varsity 2006 winners yeaahh!)
[3] I have run more than miles 2 without stopping (ah yes, the days of NAPFA)
[x] I have been to Canada
[4] I have been to Europe (let's see now..)
[5] I have watched cartoons for hours
[6] I have tripped UP the stairs
[7] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs (does a flight of 3 steps count? considering that i chipped my front tooth?)
[8] I have been snowboarding/skiing
[9] I have played ping pong
[10] I swam in the ocean
[x] I have been on a whale watch
[11] I have seen fireworks
[x] I have seen a shooting star (unfortunately not)
[x] I have seen a meteor shower
[x] I have almost drowned
[12] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear (ah yes)
[13] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again
[x] I have had stitches
[x] I have had frostbite
[x] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there
[14] I have stayed up til 2(and beyond) doing homework/projects
[15] I have been ice skating
[16] I have been rollerblading
[17] I have fallen flat on my face (hey, i play rugby)
[18] I have tripped over my own two feet (i'm sure it's happened before, i'm a klutz)
[x] I have been in a fist fight (no, i recollect palm-fights though)
[x] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight
[19] I have watched the power rangers (what can one expect; i have 3 younger siblings
[x] I attend Church regularly
[20] I have played truth or dare
[21] I have already had my 16th birthday
[22] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[23] I've called someone stupid.
[24] I've been in a verbal argument (= i am not mute)
[25] I've cried in school
[x] I've played basketball on a team
[x] I've played baseball on a team
[x] I've played football on a team
[x] I've played soccer on a team
[x] I've done cheerleading on a team
[x] I've played softball on a team
[x] I've played volleyball on a team
[x] I've played tennis on a team (hey where's rugby?)
[26] I've been on a track or cross country team (ahh the days of house sport)
[27] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life
[x] I've bungee jumped
[28] I've climbed a rock wall
[29] I've lost more than $20 (i think)
[30] I've called myself an idiot
[31] I've called someone else an idiot
[32] I've cried myself to sleep
[33] I've had (or have) pets (terrapins; "tiny" and "biggy"; we set them free in the mandai reservoir and i cried to bits)
[34] I've owned a Spice Girls CD/cassette (cassette baby!)
[35] I've owned a Britney Spears CD (ashamed to admit, but yes)
[x] I've owned an N*Sync CD
[36] I've owned a Backstreet Boys CD (well it was a pirated copy)
[x] I've mooned someone (no. my butt isn't decent enough for exposure)
[37] I have sworn/yelled at someone of authority before
[38] I've been in the newspaper
[39] I've been on TV
[x] I've been to Hawaii
[40] I've eaten sushi (mmm)
[41] I've been on the other side of a waterfall (in malaysia)
[42] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies
[43] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies
[x] I've watched all of the Rocky movies
[x] I've watched the 3 stooges
[x] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica
[44] I've watched Looney Tunes (again, having 4 younger siblings...)
[x] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers (since when were the rgs lockers ever big enough...)
[x] I've been called a geek (phew!)
[45] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade
[46] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it
[x] I've hugged my mom within the past 24hrs
[x] I've hugged my dad within the past 24hrs
[47] I've met a celebrity/music artist
[48] I've written poetry
[x] I've been arrested (hmm i don't think that counts)
[x] I've been attracted to someone much older than me ("much" is subjective)
[x] I've been tickled till I've cried (most of the time i've managed to "fight back" in time)
[x] I've tickled someone else until they cried
[49] I've had/have siblings
[50] I've been to a rock concert
[51] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it (i heart chopin)
[52] I've been in a play (those were the days...)
[x] I've been picked last in gym class
[x] I've been picked first in gym class
[x] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class
[53] I've cried in front of my friends (rare though)
[54] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages
[x] I've played Halo 2
[x] I've freaked out over a sports game
[x] I've been to Alaska
[55] I've been to China
[56] I've been to Spain (girona anyone?)
[x] I've been to Japan (i wanna go to hokkaido someday)
[x] I've had a fight with someone on AIM/MSN
[57] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face
[58] I've had serious conversations on any IM
[59] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me
[60] I've been forgiven
[61] I've screamed at a scary movie (yes hl you are not alone)
[x] I've cried at a chick flick
[62] I've watched a lot of action movies
[63] I've screamed at the top of my lungs (and can do so spontaneously!)
[x] I've been to a rap concert
[x] I've been to a hip hop concert
[x] I've lived in more than 2 houses (apartments yes)
[64] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[65] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than miles in a day (think Aberdeen-London. not funny)
[x] I've been in a car accident
[x] I've done drugs
[66] I've been homesick
[67] I've thrown up
[68] I've puked on someone (probably when i was a wee one)
[x] I've been horseback riding (i don't count the zoo rides)
[x] I've filled out more than 10 MySpace/LJ surveys
[69] I've spoken my mind in public
[70] I've proven someone wrong
[71] I've been proven wrong by someone
[x] I've broken a leg
[x] I've broken an arm
[x] I've fallen off a swing
[x] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight (i think i get motion sickness quite easily..)
[72] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies (i think i watched one)
[x] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school (is that possible?)
[x] I've lost my backpack
[x] I've come close to dying
[x] I've seen someone die
[73] I've known someone who has died
[x] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point
[x] I've done modeling
[74] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings (gross i know)
[75] I've taken something/someone for granted
[76] I've realized how good my life is (yeah)
[77] I've counted my blessings (literally)
[78] I've made fun of a classmate
[79] I've been asked out by someone and I said no
[80] I've slapped someone in the face (and am ashamed of it!)
[x] I've been skateboarding
[x] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend
[81] I've lied to someone to their face
[82] I've told a little white lie (little?)
[83] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane (involuntarily, i might add)
[x] I've fainted
[x] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not
[84] I've pushed someone into a pool
[85] I've been pushed into a pool
[86] I've been/am in love

back

i don't usually list or refer to other people's blogs, but here's one that has captured my attention recently (which is not a good thing, as it's been hard to tear myself away from reading the archives)

with a catchy and incisive writing style, the blogger writes about her life in paris as an english single mum with a tumultuous relationship(s) history (hence the archives). topics range from do's and don't's in the parisian métro, to the (bulimic) particularities of her french female (ff) work colleagues

worth a read (and a laugh)

.

i've gone and done something to my back again. my body, while (touch wood!) relatively injury-resistant (in relation to all the rugby-playing) and of a good healthy constitution, tends to throw up surprising problems once in awhile

take the time i woke up one morning to find that my achilles tendon had swelled up painfully. the night before, there had been nothing, no sign whatsoever. so unless i kicked myself in bed, the chances of a tendon or muscle injury were v v slim. it was bad enough to make me hobble around in sandels and an ankle guard the whole day

but the very next morning, it was gone. kaput, no pain nothing

anyway i digress. so 2 days ago i was lying on my bed, got up awkwardly and felt the familiar painful twinge in my lower back. this first happened 6 years ago (i think) and now it comes once every few months, usually when i make an awkward movement involving my back. apparently lower back pains are quite common and lots of people get it from bad posturing and putting to much strain on that part of the spine while carrying heavy stuff etc

if the past is anything to go by though, i should feel no more pain in a couple of days max. however, i think it's about time i went to see the doctor and get myself booked into an orthopathic clinic post-exams

state of binge

it's 1am and i just had a hobnob binge. downed 5 at a go

this is not good i seem to be eating more and more now that rugby season has finished. is it that time of the month? is it that last winter is overstaying its welcome?

in other news, my internet connection has suddenly slowwwwed. makes me realise how much we in the modern urban society take convenience and zappy-speediness for granted. it may be a more productive lifestyle but i do wonder whether it's a happier one. or maybe it's a different kind of materialism-driven contentment

.

in other other news, i've been revisiting disney cartoons in a nostalgic bid to relive my childhood. i watched part of lady and the tramp today, and what a classic animated movie that is. what's cool is as you grow up, you start noticing other things in cartoons that you never noticed while watching the film when you were, say, 8. like how the two canine leads have a one night stand on a hill-top (lol). or how jock the scottish terrier has a seriously scottish accent. next up: the fox and a hound. less renown, but extremely touching (or maybe it has something to do with the fact that i'm a softie)

.

thanks for calling me this afternoon, it did me so much good to have a girly-girl chat about stuff. don't really have such dialogues anymore nowadays, given circumstances

i think the keyword for the rest of my uni life is discipline. sort that out, and i'll be sorted. at the moment i am living life on the edge, discipline is what i need to tip me over to the bright side

.

if we hold on together

multivitamins minerals and iron

after last week's vertigo state (and my counsin's £20 "fight vertigo fund" donation) i popped into boots and bought like 3x30-tablet bottles of Boots multivitamins minerals and iron.

i had to examine my diet to determine if it was the cause of the vertigo and realised that i'm eating pretty healthily at the moment - so i'm not exactly following the food pyramid and my carb intake is a little low, but hey i'm not eating any ready-made meals (bar instant mee), averaging about 5 satsumas a day, sainsbury's taste the difference scottish porridge oats for breakfast, resisting temptation in the form of our local fish and chippie round the corner...

it scared me a little though, the vertigo. world spinning and all that

.

there's a sports ball this week and i don't have a dress except the very one that i own that i wore to boat ball last year

don't want to buy one as can't afford it as the ball ticket was already pretty £££

sometimes it is comfortingly irresponsible to dwell on trivial concerns, distracts from the more serious issues at hand

.

lots of stuff in the news recently, including the drug-testing horror, milosevic's conspiracy-surrounded death, the commonwealth games, six nations (which france won amidst much "referee kayu" decisions in the ireland v england match)

.

end of a really random pointless post

you know that i

tonight i randomly put on a pair of shorts that i hadn't put on in ages (at least 4 months)

and discovered that whereas i once struggled to fit into it, it's now possible for it to not touch my tummy, i.e. i've possibly lost >2 inches off my waist area

cheers to rugby

.

the one thing i don't like about rugby is the blessures it leaves on my legs

the bottom half of my body looks as if it's been subject to physical abuse (which i suppose it has, but it looks as though i've been beaten up - not cool)

.

i thought it would start today, but i should've known better. the drama never ends

girl from ipanema

want to write and blustery-on about a hundred and one things that have been rushing through my head all night - and all weekend

but it's half past one on a monday morning and i've yet to sort myself out for the week ahead, so what's the point

but then, maybe i can sort myself out here?

i wish that the half-truths spouted could really count for some fact, if only c'est une nouvelle semaine were to hold as much promise in grity reality

so lets see now

* varsity

i'm not freaking out about what is supposed to be thus far the biggest game of my uni rugby playing career, at least not as much as many of my team mates

this is to be expected as i've already played before in matches where i haven't been able to sleep the night before (not helped by high caffeine intake). jc touch rugby was competitive, the pressure's been on before and in the end, without taken any importance or gravity away from the upcoming clash,

it's just a match (come to think of it, so said patey once)

captaincy isn't easy, nor is it natural for me

it used to be though, 10 years ago!

have about 10 varsity-related things to sort out within the next 12 hours. my head's so heavy

* academia

more specifically, overdue homework. enough said. revision's in tatters (actually no it's non-existent), but frankly speaking with rugby having stepped up gear recently i've had to make potentially backfiring choices

the other day,

parents: how are your studies coming along?
me: erm.. it's pretty hard this year (a unanimous sentiment among my coursemates by the way) yeah i'm finding it a bit hard to cope but it'll be fine, there's no way i'm going to fail!

and that's in all honesty

* the amphibian's woes

frankly, the less said about this the better. suffice to say, internet research takes a hell lot of time and energy. so does commuting. thank goodness for bus 31

it's been frustrating me over the past couple of weeks, but this is nothing like the dark days of before. those days are over

* internships

i finally sent off an application the other day. felt overwhelming relief. and now for the next one.

* miscellaneous

laundry, tidying up my room, scheduling, doing an emergency audit of my accounts, keeping in touch with family

i'm abandoning all hopes of ever having a normal social life again (not in the next few months anyway)

ok that's enough sidetracking. back to work

lingerie.

spent 2 days up in york with jm and had a generally relaxing time. air was fresher, temperatures about the same as london, nice to get away from the fast-paced city lifestyle for a (short) while

nothing to much to prose about, apart from the happy fact that i have at last verified my bra size (a squeamish fact, perhaps, but it's an important one). yes, before yesterday i hadn't actually ever gotten round to knowing for sure what my bra size is. but i did have a rough idea so at the m&s lingerie section i experimented a bit and finally verified how large (or small, for that matter) they are

right, that's enough about that subject

.

i'm feeling pretty tired nowadays. there's pressure from many quarters, i'm not helping myself by procrastinating nor implicating myself in more pressurising situations, what's happened to all the dreams all the goals all the want?

and yet it some ways i'm happier than i've ever been

what i'd like to know (as a scientific fact) is, does crying make you go blind?

let it be

gosh how i've missed rugby, the adrenaline and pure physicality. absolutely knackered after today's game, yes, and not too happy with the 7-5 win (helped by my fluke of a conversion which bounced off the horizontal post but miraculously tipped over)

and my obsession over the logistics paid off as we all got to and fro canterbury just fine. woopee, what a relief

.

if one day this all shall fall to pieces, let me not regret the paths that i have chosen to tread, the stones i have left unturned

instead let me be me

.

"fathers 4 justice", an organisation committed to improving the rights of fathers who are estranged from their children, was accused of plotting to kidnap the british pm's son

apparent some of its extremist elements began fantasizing about extreme ways to publicize their movement. yep nothing materialized of it, but the point is how stupid are some campaigners to even toss about the idea of carrying out a high-profile deeply criminal act? whatever their cause may be?

terrorists are everywhere you see

12/ major whingeing ahead

gosh everyday is a still a fucking mission

hanging on by my teeth

thank goodness for mouthguards?

been turning to rugby for the necessary distraction and fortitude

but i'm just not up for tomorrow's match

and this is where obligation and responsibility step in to give me the shove

what am i doing here, listening to techno on french web radio at 1am?

.

body is increasingly inflicted by injuries, both rugby-related and otherwise

neck pain from wednesday training is still bugging me. might have to see a physio if it doesn't go away soon. hope it doesn't come to that!

i also stupidly injured my shin when i tried to climb over the bench table in the lecture theatre. knocked my shin on the edge of the table, gosh the sharp pain was pretty unbearable. i've now got an inperceptible but worryingly painful bruise - hope i haven't actually fractured or damaged anything seriously

.

work this evening was borrrring. stood behind buffet tables. zzzz. i even resorted to clearing plates, usually my pet hate (it isn't terribly fun to clear heavy white plates from tables, with food and cutlery threatening to fall off the edges), because i was worried i'd fall asleep standing

today i was so tired for no apparent reason (well maybe the late nights have something to do with it!), i slept from midday till half past 2, kept snoozing my alarm clock

.

second year. crazy.

.

the message expires tomorrow

14

smoked - my house is smoked. i turned on the oven for my sainsburys basics 88p fishermans pie, and the next thing i know, the leftover oil and debris from last sunday's bday cook-out for teh turned our previously tame and functional oven into this absolutely evil smoke-churning appliance. could literally see the smoke swirling around in the kitchen molecules, and *cough cough* felt my throat burn at one point!

i'm in my room (upstairs) now and all i can smell is smoke. urgh

will retreat to the bathroom soon

.

time really does heal old wounds

but no one ever mentions the scab that remains

and the fact that the scab, like all scabs, can be easily broken, torn out, once again. and again. and again

i should know, i've got rugby scabs all over

.

working at madame tussauds tonight, have never actually been in there so it should be interesting

and pay day is monday. whoopee

.

on two bicycles
on a hillside desolate
could nature make a man of me yet?

under this charming calm
this charming man

why ponder life's complexities
when the leather runs smooth
on the passenger seat?

i would go out tonight
but i haven't got a stitch to wear
this man said it's crucial
that someone so handsome should care

ah! i'm just a country boy
who never knew his place
he said return the ring
he knows so much about these things
he knows so much about these things

- "this charming man"_death cab for cutie

winter blues indeed

been eating waayy too much these couple of days. first at work, then at this evening's bday dinner for teh

as if physical discomfort isn't enough, i've been struggling to get a grip on my extremely volatile spirits. just can't help myself, to quote handily and tragically c'est plus fort que moi

and it disgusts distresses and dismays me

i guess this is what i get 'cos i'm just brutally honest with myself at the end of the day

which is more than can be said of..

it's a huge weight off my shoulders already, that's for sure. but what about the incubus (in more than one sense) on my mind?

nope it's not going to go away on its own

dammit

london weather

is schizo. this morning there was fog, honestly you couldn't see like 500m ahead

and now it's early afternoon and the sky's blue and clear, its sunny albeit a bit chilly

it's like this whole crazy thing isn't it. i feel like i'm on a rollercoaster ride

can't be bothered to write eloquently or stylistically today, i've got too much schoolwork and rugby stuff to worry about. and that other thing too

plus we may not have enough players this year - oh no!

i have two pieces of coursework due at the end of this week

on a positive note, i am going to meet up with my bulgarian ex-colleague (let's call her pet) from the hospital later at a bar in farringdon

always feels good to catch up with people

i just wish the frog would catch up with me

les vainquers

je suis tellement contente que la france a gagné le paris 7s.

it's about bloody time :D

.

life has been crazy the last week. very very crazy. i don't think it can get any crazier

then again, i may think wrong.

.

i don't know what's going to happen, all i know is that i'm not going to let myself be vulnerable. my last line of defence cannot fall.