confessional

i have been sneaking guilty peaks at the blog of my second brother -

no wait, that is misleading

correction: i have been obsessively poring over every single word he writes, checking his blog daily for snippets of his life

under the cover of complete silence and anonymity of course. no, it would not do for me to leave a comment. a long time ago i made the tragic mistake of leaving a one-liner comment on his tagboard, thereby revealing my readership to him, and poof! almost instantaneously, there was a perceptible shift in his writing - it's almost like he clammed up and moved away from topics related to home and family life

so a few years later, i think he's of the impression that i have ceased to peruse his blog. thankfully - that old pseudo-cynical, pithy and introspective writing style is back. he writes honestly about his daily experiences, his thoughts as a 17-year-old

and what really strikes me is this: he writes really simply, but really well. much better than i could ever hope to. he has this talent for leaving out the meaningless mundane details, each post is at most 1 or 2 short paragraphs in length - short and brief, they are often cryptic, but very decipherable for me only because we've share the same codified heritage - the drama of family relationships

i am glad that despite being very much removed from my brother's life through sheer lack of effort and opportunity, i can still understand exactly the thoughts and feelings that he tries to convey through words strung together on his blog

but i still fight the temptation to leave comments. let sleeping dogs lie

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for soulful house music, listen to deepinside - thanks to yw for recommending it, i am now a complete addict to the lovely tunes~~~

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apocalypse now

i took a long long walk today as the sun set. sauntering down caledonian road, my figure cutting through the cool dusky air

declare this an emergency
come on and spread a sense of urgency
and pull us through

with my headphones plugged in, i told myself to get back on track and stop being so distracted by everything and nothing

proclaim eternal victory
come on and change the course of history
and pull us through

i guess despite my efforts to keep going and hold everything together,

something had to give

goreng pisang + ice cream

on the way to dinner with flatmates hxu and teh this evening, i witnessed a traffic accident at a junction in camden town. right before my very eyes, a police car with sirens flashing and blaring (obviously trying to get somewhere urgently) sped right through red lights, knocked off the left headlights of a car coming side-on with what can only be described as a dramatic glass-crushing sound, then swerved onto the pavement on the other side of the road, slowing to a halt just outside the headquarters of the british transport police

gasps rose all round, but i didn't know whether to laugh or to gape in shock. the old lady in what looked like a pink bathrobe who was standing a few feet ahead of us at the lights knew what a close miss she'd had though, and curse and swore at nobody in particular about having "almost been knocked down" (she was probably right). nobody was injured, the driver of the other car got out and surveyed his severely-damaged bumper with dismay. in less than a minute, there was a photographer taking photos of the wrecked police car, some concerned folks gazed out at the scene from the entrance of the police hq, and the situation was pretty much under control

the irony and coincidence!

inflation

i had a decent latte in a nice café in st albans this morning that cost me £1.50

that's at least25% cheaper than the going london coffee price. and it wasn't even take-away

it was just the perk-up i needed to face the tough day ahead

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eeks

in a moment of exquisite impulse not to be repeated again anytime soon (i stress!), i rushed down to oxford street again this morning

the big revelation of the day is that i have truly morphed into a discerning, tasteful (this is bordering on bragging i know, but oh well!) shopper, a far cry from my year 1 days

shopping bag
mango wool-mix dark grey cardigan - lush!!!!!
- reduced from £38 to £19
h&m small fitting white t-shirt
- reduced from £5.99 to £3.99

il faut que j'arrête!!

boxing day

on boxing day in my first year, i went to oxford street to check out the notorious sales. the experience was terrifying and daunting, marked by aggressive women (and men! and couples! and kids! and OAPs! ARGH!) pushing and shoving, as well as queues that dragged through the stores


in my second year, i refused to be tempted. nothing was worth the sanity-threatening madness and mayhem. it also helped that i wasn't physically in london for much of december

today, however, i had a change of heart. summoning up bravery, courage and that special "shopping" spirit that all girls possess to varying degrees, i found myself partaking in the sales on oxford street this afternoon


and you know what?

despite the crazy crowds, the numerous near-incidents in which i almost got knocked over, the annoying prams in tiny aisles (why oh why do mothers subject their offspring to the trauma?), the massive polar jacket-wearing middle-aged couples who blocked up entire passageways, and let's not forget the queues that seemed to go on forever

it wasn't actually that bad. it was kinda fun. acceptable as a once-a-year endeavour. there's something appealing about this mass hysteria-type shopping after all



today's haul
river island top
- reduced from £14.99 to £10
h&m dark brown corduroy trousers
- reduced from £14.99 to £7.99
dorothy perkins necklace
- reduced from £8 to £4

there goes my shopping quota for the year

in and out

so the tonsillitis has disappeared

and in its place has arrived....... *drumroll* .........

the dreaded monstrosity

that is a wisdom toothache. apparently, caused by my lower resistance to bacterial invasions - i mean, infections (although it is starting to feel like i'm fighting a biological war of sorts...)

and due to this serendipitous turn of infections, i have had to start a second course of different antibiotics, even before i've finished the first one

i have also had to navigate the dental service as a student under the nhs (national health service), meaning that i pay a subsidised rate for dental treatment. by "subsidised", i'm talking roughly 50% of the £34 private fee. you work out the math

the best part of all of this? i'm not allowed to consume alcohol for 7 days while i'm on the metronidazole - otherwise the drug will react with the ethanol to render me "violently sick" *shudders*

not even the customary christmas toast then. lets just hope that the bugger of a toothache heals itself by new year's eve

patience

1) because i've had f***ing tonsillitis for almost a week and am about to break down in self-pity and (involuntary) self-isolation, even had to miss my 5-day barcelona trip, that's why!!! #*$&^@#^@)!*

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i really wanna start over again
i know you wanna be my salvation
the one that i can always depend
i’ll try to be strong believe me
i’m trying to move on
it’s complicated but understand me

cause i need time
my heart is numb has no feeling
so while i’m still healing
just try and have little patience yeah
have a little patience yeah

- "patience"_take that

starlight, starbright

on my way home from a friend's housewarming party two nights ago, i drunkenly rang up the frog. it was absolutely freezing that night, i was alone and lonely (two very different things!), and when he picked up the phone, and asked if everything was alright,

i had a made-up vent

i.e. i started complaining about something and made a big deal out of it when actually it wasn't really that big a problem at all

sometimes, we so desperately want to seem, just so that we can provoke the particular outcome that we crave. it is disempowering, this empty creation. so please let me just be, otherwise seeming will one day merge into being and then i would have really lost it

inaction is a weapon

of mass destruction

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i've been doing a placement this week; met this zimbabwean colleague who's here on a secondment for a few months. his sense of sheer amazement at the size of london as a city is refreshing, as is his constant wide-eyed wonder of "in which direction (north? south? east? west?) is st albans/ westminster/ the thames river/ king's cross?" from wherever we're stood

harare, the capital city of zimbabwe, has a city centre the size of a small town, you see

i've been taking london for granted. it's time to do something crazy again

this is where i freak out majorly

i know i shouldn't be joking about this, but it sounds like all my neighbours are trying to blow london up! once again it's the weekend of guy fawkes day/ bonfire night, and fireworks are being set off left right centre and across the road. every 20 seconds an extraordinarily loud "BOOM" sounds and i jump involuntarily. this could very easily descend into a trauma experience

especially since i'm trying to get some serious stuff done

most of all, i resent that i have till wait till tomorrow evening before going off to roundwood park to watch the fireworks display. no thanks to our divergent horaires. tonight i shall make my way to golders green for my friend's housewarming party. please wish me luck, as i navigate my way through an aurally exploding city

though i must admit that the sparkly fireworks that are being set off by my neighbours across the road are pretty and mesmerising

paella baby

rugby training sessions are getting increasingly tough, what with big sprints conditioning and pt being thrown into the mix

therefore i thought i'd redeemed myself enough to pig out on paella at cuba libre in angel. right?

such a bad idea. the food was yummy as usual but gosh i was full afterwards. so sleepy and tired from training, i went to bed really early (by my standards, i.e. midnight) and woke up this morning feeling completely shitty

this is great, i am now aching all over from yesterday, we've got a match in 2 days' time and i'm so up for it but my tender hamstrings are feeling less responsive

on the plus side, the weather's getting more autumny now - love it. this means that while the chill factor is increasing, sunny clear skies are more abundant

i'm going to fall asleep again in a minute. but nooooooo i have a lecture to go to. argh

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i shouldn't have to say now baby
that i believe in you

- "what took you so long"_emma bunton

menu du jour

in the interest of jamie oliver-esque healthy eating (except in my case it's "out damn tortellini!" in lieu of turkey twizzlers, i went grocery shopping for the first time in 4 weeks yesterday

today's menu consisted of

packed lunch: prepared at home

buttered prawn, medium cheddar and golden oatmeal toastie sandwich
1 small pack of hot chilli doritos


afternoon snack: bought at campus shops

1 small pack of m&ms
1 small packet of ribena
1 (free) small packet of green&black's organic chocolate


gourmet dinner: cooked at home from freshly prepared ingredients

penne pasta mushroom in tomato and chilli sauce mixed with fresh mushroom and peppers simmered in olive oil, dressed with mixed herbs and shaved medium cheddar

2 baked honey-glazed and mixed herb chicken wings

low fat yoghurt


it remains to be seen whether i can sustain this level of food preparation though!!!

we both know

i want to wake up every morning with a megawatt, honest smile on my face

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i didn't think i'd be saying this... the truth is, i'm not glad to be leaving

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brother 2 surprised me the other day when he offered me some chocolate

to understand this phenomenon, you have to grasp the context - me and my siblings, we are all pretty much "detached" from one another. we don't have heart-to-heart talks, we give each other cursory answers or remarks, we fight, we quarrel, we can go without talking to each other for extended periods of time

yet, underneathe it all, we know who we are in relation to each other. we know our bonds. and it shows on the rarest of occasions. like last night, when brother 1 and i jammed together with the guitar and piano. and when he came to me with his portfolio of commissioned sketches and asked for my opinion on them (they were stunning, by the way. i have no idea where bro 1's talent comes from, but it's definitely there)

or like when bro 2 came into my room 2 evenings ago out of the blue, and offered me chocolate out of the packet that he was consuming

no words were spoken (except maybe "thanks" and "yup"), but we both knew that he was being nice because the other day, i'd done the same thing - i'd offered him a pick from my stash of famous amos cookies

to borrow a line from sheryl crow,

if it makes you happy

it can't be that bad

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and the morning is for you
and the air is free
and the birds sing for you
and your positivity

- "positivity"_suede

sing a song

i was browsing through photos of the 3 of us. we looked so contented albeit tired from a night of continuous drinking - wine, beer, and more wine

despite the huge quantities of alcohol imbibed by all, and despite having fallen asleep on the couch, i still remember exactly what happened. as i always do

i remember asking jx what he thought, after the initial impression. deep down in my gut, i knew exactly what the verdict was going to be. but i was still hopeful, painfully so

he tried to be merciful, he did. he knew that his opinions were going to hurt me, more than i myself thought they would

but eventually, my persistence got the better of him

"it's not worth it", he said abruptly, as we sat in the paddington station mcdonalds, his heathrow express train just minutes away from departure

i stared at him, willing myself to comprehend his words. he repeated them for my sake, knowing only too well that nothing he said was going to change the situation. i felt tears well up in my eyes, but willed myself to stop them from making contact with the cold morning air. what use was such a display of emotion at 6am?

as we stood at the platform later, i gave him a hug and bade him farewell. as he disappeared into the train, i turned around and walked straight past the other member of our party, he upon which the verdict had cast such a dreadful light

i couldn't bring myself to look at him

he said what?

baby i swear it's deja vu

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yesterday, d told me that i was wasting my time

i don't even know d well at all. he's a flamboyant character, gay and theatrical. has that cynical view of relationships that only 20-somethings/ early 30-somethings tend to have

according to him and da, all the drama at 21 years old will seem really silly and juvenile in 5 years' time, once "emotional maturity" is achieved

somehow, i think what they really meant was "jadedness". cos i don't believe that "emotional maturity" has to equate with being jaded and cynical

so maybe in 10 years time, i will really rue having "wasted my time". who knows?

but i doubt it. there are some things that even time can't buy

dans la nuit

i had 2 crazy nightmares last night, one more real than the other

2) i dreamt that i was sitting for an exam paper that counted for 100% of a particular module. the paper consisted of several essay questions, of which 2 were to be chosen and completed by the candidate

apparently i didn't revise for the paper or something, because i just couldn't write anything down. my mind seemed to wander off in abandonment of the weighty task at hand, and in the end i wrote some really random useless stuff just before time was up. i don't even remember what the subject was meant to be

all i remember is the gulping feeling of having certainly flunked the paper, and then realising in hindsight that if i had looked beyond questions 1 and 2 i would have noticed that the other questions (3,4,5,6,7 and 8) were in fact much easier and answerable

what a random foreboding dream. i hope that it doesn't actually foretell reality

2) this was more serious. i dreamt that the father of someone very close to me passed away. the intriguing aspect of this dream was that the someone reacted unusually and unexpectedly calmly to the news


woke up to a bright morning and immediately felt thankful that dreams and reality are more often than not divorced

just funny

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

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we have a guy (alcoholic? druggie?) living a few doors down the road
he can often be heard at any time of the day yelling expletives at his family members, asking his wife to get out etc etc

sometimes i get stressed just hearing it

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off to france for a week. later

ain't no mountain high enough

two weeks ago i was chatting to 2 colleagues whilst waitressing (job: 40th wedding anniversary) and ended up in awe of their sporting achievements

1 of them runs ultramarathons (think 200+km type of runs; forget the glamour of the london marathon) and has won world titles before the other has rowed across the atlantic. 3 times

this truly in line with the chinese saying,

yi4 shan1 hai2 bi3 yi4 shan1 gao1

or, "there will always be a taller mountain" (something like that)

shock and awe

this afternoon i popped into m&s at euston station to nick some study reinforcements (read: fizzy fish). as i left the store, i was confronted by the dramatic sight of 5-6 police officers pinning down a drunk yelling and swearing red-in-the-face guy

people were staring at the commotion, i had no clue why he was being apprehended but suffice to say it brought back rather unpleasant memories from my own "brush with the law"