q&a of the day

1) because everybody just wants to be loved

2) because sometimes people change

3) because i am pms-ing

4) because i need to moisturise

5) because i was traumatised

6) because i need to stop worrying and start living

7) because anything can happen tomorrow

8) because i have given up

9) because i can't be bothered

10) yes

.

this is absolutely ridiculous. completely ridiculous. i can't believe i'm even thinking about it! such a waste of time!

see, that's why it always helps to talk to other people. paradigm shifts, changes in perspective and all that. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

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insatiable

you'll remember me when the west wind moves
among the fields of barley
you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in fields of gold

so she took her love for to gaze awhile
among the fields of barley
in his arms she fell as her hair came down
among the fields of gold

will you stay with me will you be my love
among the fields of barley
and you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in fields of gold

i never made promises lightly
and there have been some that i've broken
but i swear in the days still left
we will walk in fields of gold
we'll walk in fields of gold

many years have passed since those summer days
among the fields of barley
see the children run as the sun goes down
as you lie in fields of gold

- "fields of gold"_eva cassidy


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i can't see clearly anymore

.

something stupid

she has black and white eyes
a mind full of vintage squibs
she has black and white eyes
a mind full of cheering lives

she needs something
to keep her feet on the ground
cos when she's flying around
she never wants to come back down
she lost her smile in ’95
when she woke up on the back seat of a studded car
.
.
.
'think i lost her at 24
when she started to lock herself up behind the bathroom door

all along the white line
she can travel back in time
all along the white line

all along the white line
she can travel back in time
all along the white line

i’m on my way looking up today
never mind if it could be worthing
tuesday flies away

- "black and white eyes"_syd matters


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i did something stupid last night. by right it shouldn't even matter. in the larger scheme of things, it is insignificant, worrying about it is the worst thing i could do right now

but i can also now see why people live for the present, why people are prone to screwing things up in their lives for moments of abandon. everything has something to repress, to restrain, to hold back. because when things that should never see the light of day break out, that's when all hell breaks loose

i am not in a good place at the moment. if i am to be honest with myself, i have just dug an even deeper hole into which i should really stick my silly, obsessive-compulsive, maniac head

thank you to dudley, who in her email the other day told me to "get your head down missy!" - i just wish i could clue my nose to my books. i feel like i may be developping an addictive personality... or not?

Your Personality is 39% Addictive

You don't have an addictive personality - at least, not usually. You can indulge in vices freely, and there's little chance that you'll get hooked.

Do You Have an Addictive Personality?

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apocalypse now

i took a long long walk today as the sun set. sauntering down caledonian road, my figure cutting through the cool dusky air

declare this an emergency
come on and spread a sense of urgency
and pull us through

with my headphones plugged in, i told myself to get back on track and stop being so distracted by everything and nothing

proclaim eternal victory
come on and change the course of history
and pull us through

i guess despite my efforts to keep going and hold everything together,

something had to give

flames to dust

thanks to all the shit that i've been dealing with over the last 2 years, it is no wonder that i am a very different person today from the person i was in september 2004. it is also safe to say that age has had something to do with it. i am 22 this year, i definitely don't feel that old, but if there's one thing i've learnt, it is that numbers don't lie - they may not tell the whole story, they may be especially misleading when taken out of context, but a number is a number, is a number...

but back to what i was saying... 3 years ago, when i left sg to study in london, i felt really upset about having to leave brfc. 9 months of glorious odd-shaped ball bliss, abandoned for unknown pastures. it was enough to induce bouts of tearful nostalgia..

but nowadays nostalgia and i are much more mellow. so the fact that i'm going to have to leave my uni rugby team at the end of this season is hurting, no doubt. but it is not stinging, there are no tears and there won't be any. i hope this means that i've gotten the hang of "moving on", gazing into the future rather than clinging on hopelessly to the past

.

honestly what will become of me
don't like reality
it's way too clear to me
but really life is daily
we are what we don't see
missed everything daydreaming

flames to dust
lovers to friends
why do all good things come to an end?

traveling i only stop at exits
wondering if i'll stay
young and restless
living this way i stress less
i want to pull away when the dream dies
the pain sets it and i don't cry
i only feel gravity and i wonder why
.
.
.
and the sun was wondering
if it should stay away for a day
'til the feeling went away

and the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
whistling a new tune
hoping it would come soon so that they could die

- "all good things"_nelly furtado

aha aca

i have just consigned myself to another 3 years of studying, ask for me in 3 years and you shall find me a grave woman

haha no i'm kidding (about the "grave woman" reference, not about the studying though)

it's going to be tough, but it's also a choice i'm very happily making. everything happens for a reason, the future will unfold as it will

okay back to mission at hand. 0/1500


.

ok, choice is a good thing, a good thing!

why do i always get myself into "decision carousels"?

this time i guess it's a good thing, not a bad thing. hey, some choice is better than no choice, for sure. silly procrastination on my part has brought about unnecessary worry and to some extent, stress

today i made a cost-benefit analysis table, and to be honest with myself, it has emerged that i should take the riskier choice, the one that - if i succeed eventually - could see me embarking upon a career that i would prefer and enjoy much more to the initial, "safer" choice

but therein lies the problem - i am not a risky, impulsive person when it comes to major decisions. i am circumspect, hence the cost-benefit analysis in the first place

these next few weeks will be absolutely crucial, i'm probably about to make what is potentially the biggest, most loaded decision of my life

hallelujah~

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if you get there before i do

j'ai vraiment tout fait depuis plusieurs mois, j'ai osé malgré mes instincts, malgré mes obligations - fin j'en ai abandonné quelques-unes pour des autres

et je ne vois pas encore le bout du chemin, je traine ici et là-bas, mais toujours près de la paranoïa, je psychote, je tiens à l'espérance sans oser trop y croire

finalement, je me dis que jusqu'ici, tout va bien

et j'attends que ça recommence

.

et tant pis, si je me détruis
et je fais le tour
de tes mots, tes promesses
et tes envies d'ailleurs

- "tant pis"_roch voisine

day 2

it's been a difficult year, and i wish i could just heave a heavy sigh and get on with it, look forward to 2007 with a shiny new bucket of resolutions


but i can't, because the ghosts of 2006 are not far away. and if i stay still, they just might catch up with me

.

a beautiful moment of bliss and all is forgotten, even if only temporarily

hope is sustained by café, cheesecake and sweet touches

.

song of the moment

you show your age
when you drown your rage
but i see past those laughter lines
so baby, lets split tonight
i got a tank full of gas to light
yeah we can drive for miles and miles
but you just said
"not for all the love in the world"

- "not for all the love in the world"_the thrills

starlight, starbright

on my way home from a friend's housewarming party two nights ago, i drunkenly rang up the frog. it was absolutely freezing that night, i was alone and lonely (two very different things!), and when he picked up the phone, and asked if everything was alright,

i had a made-up vent

i.e. i started complaining about something and made a big deal out of it when actually it wasn't really that big a problem at all

sometimes, we so desperately want to seem, just so that we can provoke the particular outcome that we crave. it is disempowering, this empty creation. so please let me just be, otherwise seeming will one day merge into being and then i would have really lost it

pointless and random

i need to write but i don't know what to, nor to what purpose

cathartic perhaps?

i'm shattered in more ways than one, and it's not just my fatigue/backpain i'm talking about

if i don't sort myself out, all that's going to be left are tiny pieces. tiny, tiny pieces

health

today, i've thought about abortion, and decided that i am not against it. pro-life arguments in the face of a desperate woman who just does not want to go through with her pregnancy? in the face of parents who make a very personal choice not to bring a severely handicapped baby into the world? there are very compelling pleas from both pro-choice and pro-life camps, and i think each person's choice of which argument they believe in stems largely from their own upbringing and life experience. there are no black and white answers to be found here.

during my geography tutorial, we tried to discuss a really dense article on theories of social justice (e.g. egalitarianism, utilitarianism, libertarianism), only to go round in a circle and emerge none the wiser. it frustrates me, when discussions take philosophical turns with no real revelation in sight

someone once pointed out that maybe i am afraid to discover what my own true beliefs are

i think he may be right

all said and done

i have a ref for tomorrow! *beams*

.

i am tired of emotional upheaval. i am tired of being disappointed time after time after time. i just wish i knew when to say no, enough is enough. i just wish i could

.

when i came to london 2 years ago i would never have thought that life would turn out this way. beautiful/strange/traumatic/blissful/gritty/cultural/thelistgoeson

it is not who you are. it is what you do

lessons learnt

this weekend, i've learnt: (imagine "grey's anatomy"-style voiceovers...)

never put all your eggs in one basket

sounds simple. but lifesaving. backup is always good

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hopes and dreams fade then the only thing left is soul

let the sun shine

i have essays to write, jobs to apply for, rugby to practise, people to keep in touch with (and fill up surveys for! ;P), food to stop eating (it's the weather! all of us are getting really peckish and hungry all the time - ugh!)

there is absolutely nothing exciting to blog about

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i can tell by your eyes that you've probably been crying forever
and the stars in the sky don't mean nothing to you, they're a mirror
i don't wanna talk about it, how you broke my heart
but if i stay here just a little bit longer
if i stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, my heart?

- "i don't wanna talk about it"_rod stewart

.

nope i'm not actually heartbroken. it's just a really nice song :)

76-0

but winning isn't everything though. we could've played so much better, but instead relied on our faster runners to simply cut and break through

i made at most 3 tackles during the entire match - so i guess it was not much sweat

guess a win is a win

but still!

.

ok things to accomplish by this term

- visit the national gallery and enjoy afternoon tea buffet there (decadent i know!)
- visit the british museum. i've been procrastinating too long
- have a hampstead crêpe avec la grenouille. the ultimate indulgence, really
- score a try
- apply for jobs
- write an essay
- all my 3 course papers, obviously

what makes me happy?

les temps changent

it's still summer. i don't know what to make of it - on one hand, it's great to not have to layer on the clothing yet. and yet, the unusually warm weather is being attributed to global warming, climate change etc etc

uni started yesterday, but the geog lectures start on thursday, and the econs lectures next week. this is a deceptively slow start to the term as i know only too well that pretty soon, the work will start stacking up

not only that, i have to start job applications soon, and making trips to the uni's career advice centre

the year's going to fly by, and i rue this speedy passge of time already

ti o o

it feels good to be home

not so good to stare at the piles and piles of clothes covering the entirety of my bedspace

but it feels good to be home

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icco pizzas rock

it was wrong

everything looks different in the morning

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where do i even start?

last night, i did something i never thought i was capable of doing

and, in all honesty, i'm shocked by the absence of regret

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

see,

this is why i badly need an mp3 player

guilt trip or no guilt trip,

i'm about to explode

.

fini fini fini