shattered

in more ways than one. or two. or even three

i'm shattered i.e. tired from rugby today. and work after, all the way in shepherd's bush. add to that the fact that it's awfully cold and i was underdressed and freezing my neck off at the bus stop, plus bus routes were being diverted because of xmas lighting installations on oxford st, hence the journey home took twice as long as it should have

and i'm shattered by the same old thing, the one involving an amphibian

but also i'm shattered by a highly guilt-inducing email from pa today; he bemoaned how i (and my fellow sibs) don't keep in touch sufficiently with him, how we don't make time to do so etc etc... and how he's working so hard for us in the uae but sometimes wonders whether we appreciate what he's doing for us

and that's something else that's thrust itself to the front of my mind, that's eating and gnawing at me now. the fact that it's betrayals all round, that my life is quite fucked up at the moment (well relative to the past; there are people much worse off unfortunately)

mostly though, i'm shattered by my foolishness and lack of strength. i could and should be stronger than this, so tell me is it truly so blind to have made me walk off a cliff and plunge head-first into a never-ending ravine?

i apologise for the drama. truly