eat cake

i used to partake in girly lamenting conversations that went along the the lines of "what if we end up unmarried one day?"

in groups of 2 or more, we (single) girls would remark upon newspaper articles claiming that the majority of female graduates remain single all their life. assessing the lack of male suitors in our lives, we'd mock-sigh in unison over the prospect of growing old alone with no life partner etc

and we were only 18

when i think back to those randomly funny conversations now, i realise it wasn't so much that we were worried about not being able to get married, wedding cake and all (although for one or two girls that may have been in fact the primary concern!)

no, our fundamental fears were

1) that we were unattractive to members of the opposite sex (which thus accounted for our singlehoods, so we thought), and would remain so for the rest of our lives

2) that we were in fact destined to be alone. forever

i can't stop grinning nowadays when i think about how irrational and ridiculous those thoughts were. but i grimace at the self-defeatism as well, and at the insecurities that festered within us

for reasons 1 & 2, i therefore used to think that i wouldn't ever be able to get married, and i promptly told friends so (and was rightly told off for "being silly"). in my mind, if by the age of 18 i was unable to form a meaningful non-platonic relationship with a guy (it didn't occur to me that maybe i wasn't looking in the first place), then perhaps, just perhaps, there was something not quite right with me?

[of course i knew that wasn't true (not completely anyway). and frankly i wasn't that bothered, life was way too busy anyways]

i currently reckon that marriage is not the most important for me; i'd rather be with someone i love, in a long-term unmarried arrangement, blissful and in love, than to marry someone that i deem "suitable" to be my husband. i guess what i really really don't want then is to be in love with marriage, i'd rather live in sin" with someone indefinitely, knowing that love's the only thing keeping us together (as opposed to, say, the marriage institution) - though i think my mum might have something to say about that!! ;)

that's not to say that i don't want to get married one day (for a minute i wondered why i'm even contemplating this issue, aren't i too young... then i realised i'm 20 years old and suddenly i'm thinking i'm too old for my own good...)

but i've come to realise that i'd give up marriage, wedding and all, in order to be with someone i truly love but can't marry

there, it took me this long rambling post to get to the key point. i only wonder if i won't change my mind one day


disclaimer: this is a random post on a random subject. anyone who reads too much into it should be shot (ouch, my foot)